2003-11-05 + 6:06 p.m.

Sitting listening to Morrisey, trying to beat it back enough to get up to clean the house but not really wanting to.

Mom called today, sad, making me feel worse. I'd rather be the only unhappy one so I don't worry about anyone else. I'm twisting inside. Deep. Worry. Tears burning and I can't say for certain why.

Is it the weather? Am I pressured? Is this diease taking over?

Music can silence it if the song is loud enough. I can drown it out with Placebo, Tom Waits, Fischerspooner for so long. It's like an army I've built to fight.

The pills only help so much.

It's going deeper.

Some people don't feel like there is anything real going on. It's hard to defend it when I can't give any real causes. But it's there. And I would wish this on my worst enemy.

I don't sleep very well. Ends in nightmares. Wakes me trembling.

Tonight I need to go out..do something..to feel real. To feel anything but this. Must call Terror. Must stop these racing thoughts.

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