2003-07-05 + 12:07 a.m.

It never seems real.

Someone passes suddenly. Someone that is lost in the haze of your memory because there is so much stupid, petty shit clogging it up.

Someone died of a horrible disease that I was unaware that he had. Yet he was always happy and glad to see you.

I am so fucking shallow. Worrying about what others are thinking. Snooping in their lives eventhough I don't care or like them. I just need to know if they are talking shit. Like they would talk about me. Like I'm some kind of end all of the world.

I stopped sleeping again. I noticed that I am opening three straight days in a row so I asked the other assistant if I could switch because I would sit up all night thinking about how horrible I am and I wouldn't sleep for three days. Then I would be a zombie.

I only fall asleep when I'm so tired I cannot keep my eyes open. Often I fall asleep with books on my face, glasses on, lights burning overhead. It's normaly four in the morning, sometimes later.

I sleep until noon, sometimes one, sometimes later.

I drink coffee to offset the probelm. I take pills to can racing thoughts.

I think I have these huge issues..I think I'm the only one suffering. I say "Oh why me" with my hand affixed firmly to my forehead.

Poor me my fucking ass. I don't have a diease. I am not dying slowly inside. I don't have to keep parts of my life in the dark. I get to wake up every day to know I've got tomorrow to look forward to. I've got love in my life. I have a home and some great friends.

I could want for nothing so why do I cry alone in the bathtub?

________________________________________

Eventhough I don't remember I still feel. May you rest in piece and one day we will meet, perhaps in dreams, perhaps in the hereafter in a parking lot. I hope you have the beers...

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