2003-02-24 + 6:51 p.m.

I am having afwul mental day.

Everything is crashing and I just wish that someone was here with so I didn't have to be all alone.

There is a wake I am suppose to go to tonight but I haven't any idea how I'm going to get there.

I don't have any idea about anything.

My therapist has determined that I have a paranoia about the unknown. The future. She says I have the power to change this by becomming vocal but the thought of it causes my hands to shake and my self doubt to choke away any semblence of courage I had.

I fear that I'm unliked, a walking plauge. I've been shying away at work, instead diving into customers whom I don't have to see everyday. I have these little panic attacks silently behind the clearance rack. There was talk today about upping my meds but I'm doubtful this is going to help.

I haven't been sleeping. I haven't wanted to go anywhere except to my bed or perhaps the bathtub where I can be at peace.

I'm trying to focus my thoughts on wedding dress shopping with Tarah on Thursday. I need so badly to do something to relieve my mind. To have someone to talk to, someone who understands and doesn't judge.

*cries*

I want so badly to be better.

________________________________________

In other news...

The roomate has informed me that she is moving out this weekend.

This is all so sudden so now I have to worry about money after I just signed a contract for a year's worth of cell phone use. Ergghh.

As long as I have four dollars a week to go out. One night away from it...just in case I feel like dancing.

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