2001-11-29 +
10:37 p.m.
When I was younger I'd write in a journal covered with a leopard fabic. I had this pen that smelled off peppermint. I wrote like this all the time...I think it's now time to revisit that style...
I wish that if you looked into the sky long enough a hand would reach out and stroke your cheek with a loving touch and let calm rein in your mind again. I long for those days when I sat on the porch with an ice cream dripping onto my knee wasting time. I long with everything that I didn't fear waking up in the morning to be afraid of what I may find at a job that never leaves me even when I walk out the doors.
What does will it take for me to climb aboard the bus and ride home listening to thumping music and not worry. When will the day come that I don't press floor number two on the elevator pad, ride up to my apartment and not be faced with a million requests to wash the floor the dishes the everything. How will I stop my hand from reaching out to the black cordless phone dial the numbers to work and hang on for dear life as I listen to what has happened while I was away for those two hours.
Mainly I want to color everything pink, sprinkle on glitter and tie on ribbons. I want things to be like books, good girly books just like everyone.
I want to be Tracy from Hairspray and yell LET'S DANCE because I'm fat and I have conquered all. I want to wear the dress covered in roach print and be queen of the autoshow while my nemeis sits with a burnt wig on her head. Amber...I knew an Amber. She was such a bitch.
Rikki Lake was my idol. Then she lost alot of weight and became a bit of a traitor to me. Same deal with the chick from Wilson Phillips who had her tummy stapled and didn't have the good face to suck it up and diet.
Being fat is like being in a club. We trade fat stories anf laugh at ourselves. We wear our Lane Bryant like medals, and rejoyce in new breakthroughs in control top technology.
We know the power of McDonald's and Arby's and the way Ben and Jerrys makes your knees weak. The lure of Hershey's, the delight of full fat sour cream.
To write like a teenager again...what bliss....
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