2001-11-14 + 8:44 p.m.

I keep getting glitter in my mouse and I am forever needing new ones. Stupid obession with sparkly things.

I picked up VNV nation's Praise the Fallen the other day because it has Joy on it. Apparently they put out a new one yesterday but we don't have it yet.

I am sick a tired of people talking shit about me behind my back. Someone is saying that I hate my job and I wnat to quit. I never said that. Sometimes I think that I'd like to not ever see it again but I know I'll always go back. I have worked so hard there and I gave up so much of myself. My whole life and world revolves around my stupid job and I will not have some jealous person sabotaging it for me. I'm tired of everyone bitching to me about things I can't change. I don't have the answers, I never did.

I don't think I'm going to get promoted. I don't think they have the confidence in me eventhough I pulled us though the Halloween season. What the hell.

Is it always like this. I just want to pull my blanket up and read silly books about old houses and mean grandmothers.

No, I really just want to be a kid again sitting in my basement trying to figure life out.

When I was upset I'd steal away into the basement and stare in the cracks of the storage room door and peer at my baby stuff. I wasn't tall enough to undo the lock and I was scared because there were spider webs on everything.

Then there would be times where I would pile all my stuffed friends in the corner of my bedroom and sit amongst them all feeling safe with their plastic eyes spying out. I had the weirdest comfort acts.

I was always a strange child.

I liked to circle stuff in catalogs and tally up the prices to see how much my dream house would cost to furnish. I like white sofas and I wanted my kids to have the swing set that didn't move around threating to fall over when you swung on it. Not that I had a swingset. My father thought they were a waste of money.

He thought vacations were a waste as well. We went to a baseball game and then went to the Bronx Zoo the next day and stayed overnight in a hotel. That was it. No trips to Vermont or DC or anywhere. I have no memories of lakeside cabin trips. I know we went camping once when I was five or six.

In my mind I painted pictures of family trips in bright shining color. Trips to Disney, trips to the country.

I don't feel good enough for anything right now. I belive in me, why can't my superiors.

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